.hangover 2007.
so it's new years day. 2007. i slept until 3:30 in the afternoon, waking only to pee and swallow back bile. it was the first new year's hangover that lived up to expectations. it was over the top and i was over the toilet. happy new year.
i came home a few minutes ago to my new fabulous one bedroom apartment and wanted to write. this computer's been sitting in basements and closets for years now. i haven't used it since college. i figured i'd just use word and type out some new year's resolutions. but i clicked on one of the airport networks on the menu bar and was surprised to see it light up with four full bars. i had no fucking idea this computer was set up for wireless internet.
i'm sure this means i'm the world's stupidest computer user. but hot damn, do i feel lucky. i went from not having a functional computer to free wireless internet in my apartment!
one of my new year's resolutions this year was going to be not to date. just to give it up, for one year, worrying, waiting, wanting. just focus on being comfortable and quiet, on being calm and content. just focus on me. and worry about someone else later. so of course it is fitting that i gave a guy my number in the first few hours of the new year.
my friend's husband, offerer of eye-rolling and simple, sage advice, says "don't second guess yourself." and i realize that i don't know the difference between my first guess and the second. i mean, is it my first guess to go out with a guy because, hey, it's just a date, and why not? or is that nagging feeling of nausea, that hunch that if i have to talk myself into giving somebody a chance, even though i'm not immediately attracted to them, is that what came first?
and why, on the first day of the new year that i pledged to put me first, am i already thinking about compromise?
i don't think you grow into wanting somebody. i think it's as immediate as liking cilantro or pistachios. you do or you don't, and there's no room for talking yourself into or out of it. i think when you meet somebody that makes you excited, you will feel excited, and when you meet somebody who is special, you will feel special. and there doesn't seem to be a way to expediate that, to hurry up and bump into that person. you can go out to a lot of bars, and you can dole out a lot of numbers, and you can have a whole bunch of first dates, but trying on a lot of people doesn't help you meet the right one faster.
i used to think staying home was a waste of time because you can't meet anybody when you're home alone. but every night you spend cultivating interests, relaxing, knitting, cooking, reading, writing, learning, and figuring it out what the fuck makes you happy, i think that gets you a whole lot closer to being happy with a partner. because if you're not happy by yourself, you won't be happy just because you're with someone.
i think i've put that expectation on everyone i've dated: i like you, so make me happy. with people who have something going on, their own friends and passions and interests, i'm needy. i want what they have. i want to suck it right out of them. and when they pull away from me to focus on these other things, i feel abandoned and jealous. with people i've dated who are sad, bored, and don't have their own interests, i hate them for being so needy and boring. but there's no point in putting that pressure on any relationship, on any other person. because nobody else could make me happy, no matter how much they loved me and wanted to, when i'm not happy by myself. it doesn't matter how sweet the icing tastes on a rotten cake. and i have got to work on my cake.
i came home a few minutes ago to my new fabulous one bedroom apartment and wanted to write. this computer's been sitting in basements and closets for years now. i haven't used it since college. i figured i'd just use word and type out some new year's resolutions. but i clicked on one of the airport networks on the menu bar and was surprised to see it light up with four full bars. i had no fucking idea this computer was set up for wireless internet.
i'm sure this means i'm the world's stupidest computer user. but hot damn, do i feel lucky. i went from not having a functional computer to free wireless internet in my apartment!
one of my new year's resolutions this year was going to be not to date. just to give it up, for one year, worrying, waiting, wanting. just focus on being comfortable and quiet, on being calm and content. just focus on me. and worry about someone else later. so of course it is fitting that i gave a guy my number in the first few hours of the new year.
my friend's husband, offerer of eye-rolling and simple, sage advice, says "don't second guess yourself." and i realize that i don't know the difference between my first guess and the second. i mean, is it my first guess to go out with a guy because, hey, it's just a date, and why not? or is that nagging feeling of nausea, that hunch that if i have to talk myself into giving somebody a chance, even though i'm not immediately attracted to them, is that what came first?
and why, on the first day of the new year that i pledged to put me first, am i already thinking about compromise?
i don't think you grow into wanting somebody. i think it's as immediate as liking cilantro or pistachios. you do or you don't, and there's no room for talking yourself into or out of it. i think when you meet somebody that makes you excited, you will feel excited, and when you meet somebody who is special, you will feel special. and there doesn't seem to be a way to expediate that, to hurry up and bump into that person. you can go out to a lot of bars, and you can dole out a lot of numbers, and you can have a whole bunch of first dates, but trying on a lot of people doesn't help you meet the right one faster.
i used to think staying home was a waste of time because you can't meet anybody when you're home alone. but every night you spend cultivating interests, relaxing, knitting, cooking, reading, writing, learning, and figuring it out what the fuck makes you happy, i think that gets you a whole lot closer to being happy with a partner. because if you're not happy by yourself, you won't be happy just because you're with someone.
i think i've put that expectation on everyone i've dated: i like you, so make me happy. with people who have something going on, their own friends and passions and interests, i'm needy. i want what they have. i want to suck it right out of them. and when they pull away from me to focus on these other things, i feel abandoned and jealous. with people i've dated who are sad, bored, and don't have their own interests, i hate them for being so needy and boring. but there's no point in putting that pressure on any relationship, on any other person. because nobody else could make me happy, no matter how much they loved me and wanted to, when i'm not happy by myself. it doesn't matter how sweet the icing tastes on a rotten cake. and i have got to work on my cake.
posted by .i'll never tell. at 8:39 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home