what happens when you hesitate.

you post something you've written a few days ago.


yesterday morning, almost out the door: i'm dressed in creased cotton slacks and my hands are clean. i kiss the cats goodbye and pull open the fridge door, thinking that i'll just grab the soymilk and go.

not so much.

gordon (cat #2) jumps and stares as fridge makes strange cracking sound. bottom shelf falls off of the fridge, onto the floor, and an unopened 32 ounce jar of minced garlic falls from it. our kitchen floor is made of beautiful stone tiles, so the jar breaks on contact. 32 ounces (that's two pints of raw garlic) of tiny garlic chunks and juice spread quickly outward in all directions, sweeping along tiny shards of glass.

even after garlic-smash debacle, i have not smoked a cigarette. in fact, i have not smoked a cigarette in 19 days.

they say alcoholics are always alcoholics, taking it one day at a time for the rest of their lives, constantly occupied by not drinking. i think it might be like that for me with the cigarettes. i keep telling myself to just get through the day. it's not very glamorous, but then again, neither is smoking. that's why i'm quitting, the lack of glamour and the death.

.infinitesimal.

being a huge nerd, i read merriam-webster online dictionary's word of the day almost every day. two days ago, the word of the day irked me- not so much the word, more the example sentence they put with it.

infinitesimal • \in-fin-ih-TESS-uh-mul\
• adjective 1 : taking on values arbitrarily close to but greater than zero *2 : immeasurably or incalculably small

Example sentence:The days get longer in seemingly infinitesimal increments, but by the end of February we've gained two whole hours of sunlight since the winter solstice.

*Indicates the sense illustrated in the example sentence.

so i wrote merriam-webster an e-mail arguing that they totally screwed their shit up, hoping for some "oh yes you're right!" props and perhaps a free dictionary (the unabridged version). oh no, my friend, those bitches totally schooled me.

I sent them this email on monday:

I have a bone to pick with your example sentence for today's word of the day (2.28.05). The word is infinitesmal, which means "immeasurably or incalculably small." In the example sentence, you say that the days get longer in "seemingly infinitesmal increments." I understand that you have qualified the word with "seemingly," indicating that the increments are not in actuality immeasurable or incaculable. But the increase in sunlight on each day of the year is not only fundamentally measurable and calculable, but also not very small. Almost a minute more sunlight each day hardly qualifies as "arbitrarily close to zero."

I just wanted to let you know that I feel you've used your word incorrectly in your own example sentence. I still enjoy your words of the day.

and today, they responded with this:

I see your point, sort of. But as you yourself concede there is the qualifier "seemingly." And of course the way something "seems" is pretty subjective from the speaker's/writer's point of view. Not, that is, that I think I'm alone in thinking that it seems to me as if January 14, say, was no different in length from January 13th and January 15th--that in the long dark (and cold, here in New England!) winter months a mere minute seems too "very minute," and added description of what the word can mean appended to "immeasurably or incalculably small" in the expanded version of sense two in the Unabridged Webster's Third New International Dictionary.

(Keep in mind that the second sense is distinct from the first--the second does not require that the value in question be "arbitrarily close to zero" -- which is really a purely mathematical application.)

Here's an example of the kind of use sense two is based on from our literature database: "Again came the pull on his arm. She was trying to pass the apron-string around him. For the fraction of an instant he was a savage, dominated by the wave of fear and murder that rose up in him. For that infinitesimal space of time he was to all purposes a frightened tiger filled with rage and terror at the apprehension of the trap" (from Burning Daylight by Jack London). It's easier to see how figurative this figurative use can be when we get away from entities, such as increments of time, that do normally get measured precisely: "Listening nature seemed not to contradict him, so that, on the morrow, he asked the young girl, with an infinitesimal touch of irony, whether it struck her that his deflection from his Florentine plan had been attended with brilliant results." (from Henry James's Roderick Hudson)

Well, whether or not I have swayed you, we appreciate you interest in our Word of the Day, and we thank you for writing.

yeah, i "sort of" see my point as well. and i think the bitch is being a bit defensive. but damn, i sure would have sounded a lot cooler and more persuasive if i had whipped out a bunch of jack london quotes and shit. jesus. maybe i could have if i had access to this "literature database."

whatever. we appreciate your interest in our word of the day. sort of.

.speaking of way hardcore.

the elements of style is awesome. in fewer than a hundred pages, it tells you how to write without sounding like a dumbass. it tells you how to avoid writing like a pompous, redundant idiot.

it is also totally funny and witty and smart, which makes it unique and delightful to read. (yes, i said delightful.) for example, when you look up the word "utilize," it says that you should just use the word "use," because utilize is a word for bastard-people who like to hear themselves pronounce many syllables. another example:

"the truth is....the fact is....a bad beginning for a sentence. if you feel you are possessed of the truth, or of the fact, simply state it. do not give it advance billing."

ha! don't you feel like an asshole now! i bet you say that all the time.

maybe you should read the elements of style and learn how not be such an asshole.

bring it.

.knit me a tv.

this is way hardcore.

.i can't read good.

remember in clueless when alicia silverstone makes over brittany murphey and she tells her that she has to read one book a week, and it's some dumb book like "fit or fat?" or something? well, that's one more book a week than i read. and that makes me concerned about whether or not i am an intelligent human being.

anyway, i think it will much benefit me to read a book a week. (or at least make a list of books i would read if i were to actually read a book a week.) suggestions welcome.

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay.Michael Chabon.
Middlesex.Jeffrey Eugenides.
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.Dave Eggers.
Lolita.Vladimir Nabokov.
The Wind-up Bird Chronicle.Haruki Murakami.
The Wapshop Chronicles.John Cheever.
Death Comes for the Archbishop.Willa Cather.
A Handful of Dust.Evelyn Waugh.
The Magnificent Ambersons.Booth Tarkington.
The Red Tent. Anita Diamant.
Fear and Loathing.Hunter S. Thompson.
Sons and Lovers.D. H. Lawrence.
Love in the Time of Cholera.Cabriel Garcia Marquez.
Pride and Prejudice.Jane Austen.
The Old Man and the Sea.Ernest Hemingway.
The Shipping News.E. Annie Proulx.
The Hours.Michael Cunningham.
Motherless Brooklyn.Jonathan Lethem
Mrs Dalloway.Virginia Woolf.
The Big Sleep.Raymond Chandler.
One Hundred Years of Solitude.Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
The Grapes of Wrath.John Steinbeck.
The Odyssey.Homer.
Anna Karenena.Leo Tolstoy.
Their Eyes Were Watching God.Zora Neale Hurston.
Housekeeping.Marilynn Robinson.
What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.Raymond Carver.
The Elements of Style.William Strunk, Jr. & E.B. White.
Death Comes For The Archbishop.Willa Cather.
The Moviegoer.Walker Percy.
Bless Me Ultima.Rudolfo Anaya.
Cathedral.Raymond Carver.
Ceremony.Leslie Marmon Silko