.give it up.

it's the middle of january and outside my kitchen window there are buds on the hydrangia bush. after several months of dead, brown leaves falling off, tiny green leaves have begun to sprout. in the dead of winter, i forget that there will ever be green again. every spring, i am amazed.

i am amazed at how i have let my body lie motionless for many months, drinking coffee, eating soup with sour cream, going to bed at 8:30, and smoking cigarettes bundled on the porch. every spring, i see the buds, the new blossoms, and eager stalks of daffodils, and i hate myself because my body doesn't feel the slightest bit new or eager, but slack and fat and lazy. i hate myself because when i breathe deep, i fight the black tar of muck in my lungs.

if there is any day of the week that i feel this gung-ho, it is saturday morning, at about 11. the current day and time. but why not seize the optimist and resolve to give up the death-habit and begin to scrape out the black and dead layer in my lungs?

the point: i'm quitting smoking.

i have quit once, for three months last spring, from march 12 to the beginning of june. this time, i will quit and never pick it up again. after having smoked for the last nine months, the last six years, this is how i feel:

lazy and dumb. like i am going to die when i am 40, 50, 60 of lung cancer. crusty and foggy and stabbed by needles when i take a breath. too disgusting to go outside, for a hike or just to sit in a park. sick on many occasions and only wanting to get better again so i can smoke. my neck is hunched and sore, and i know i could stand up straight if i started doing some yoga and began to take pride in my body. i ate a half-loaf of bread last night, smothered in cheese. i eat probably one vegetable a week, and some juice, if i'm lucky. i am embarrassed of how i treat my body. my face is ashen, my hair is dull, and my fingernails are brittle and weak. my pants are tight, and some of them i can't wear at all.

i dread the spring, the summer, the new grass and warm breeze, the beach, the bonfire, and all the things i want to look forwad to.

in order to have success in this ambitious endeavor, i know i have to have a plan. things i need to do to keep it up.

1. sign up on that quitting smoking website that counts down days and money saved.
2. save the cigarette money and buy myself treats with it.
3. give myself many outlets for the frustration, anger, fear, and nervous energy that smoking absorbs. namely,
4. run.
5. sign up for yoga and do it regulary. learn to breathe and take pride in my body.
6. hike.
7. camp.
8. ride a bike.
9. knit, embroider, and keep my hands busy.
10. keep my blood sugar up, drink juice, snack frequently, and drink tea. nibbling on chocolate is okay.
11. put healthy food in my body, fruits, veggies, tea, and lots of water.
12. go outside a lot.
13. stop drinking alcohol and smoking other goodies for at least a few weeks.