.earning my stripes.

something to keep in mind when dating: when you pick up a guy who works at a bar, you may not be able to frequent that bar anymore if it doesn't work out. i thought i was playing it safe last night when i went for drinks after work to a bar in north portland where, a few months before, i had hit it off with one of the employees. it was friday, his day off.

we had gone on three dates on three consecutive weekends. then we just stopped. i'm not sure what his side of the story sounds like, but mine is simple: we lacked a certain chemistry and mutually lost interest. no hard feelings.

i was facing the door when he walked into the bar unexpectedly. i assume he was picking up an extra shift. the sun was on the horizon and the window-walled front of the bar faced west, so all i could make out was his silhouette and a smile. i was sitting with a big group of people, co-workers, mostly, and after a forty-hour week and a couple of drinks, we had become a sloppy group. i waved at him and smiled a stunned, dopey smile.

i recognize that this situation is not a big deal. it happens all the time: you go on a few dates, it doesn't work out, and you run into each other weeks later. it's awkward. awkward is what it's supposed to be. no hard feelings.

but it's this kind of situation that demonstrates my inexperience in the dating world. i didn't know what the hell to do.

logically, i turned to my colleague and veteran dating woman for advice. "should i say hi to him or not?" i was helpless. "i mean, am i supposed to go over and talk to him?" unfortunately, she was less in a mood to mentor me and more in a mood to yell drunkenly across the bar at him: "you mean say hellooooo? hellooooo! HELLO-oooo!"

so there i am, embarrassed from the shouting and trying to reason out a solution based on my extremely limited experience. two main arguments were taking shape in my head. part of me wanted to be the bigger person and act graciously and politely. "just get it over with," she snapped. "he's a very nice guy and you have nothing against him. you're being rude. you've sucked his dick. he bought you dinner. you can't say a simple 'how are you'?"

"absolutely not," insisted the other side. "he rejected you. you can't go over there all desperate and pathetic and be nice to him. it's like you're begging him to take you back."

i don't even know if he rejected me. i never called him back. but i think we both lost interest.

"it does not matter who dumped who," twinkled my apparent better self. "there's no point in pretending you don't know someone who you spent every saturday with in june. it's polite to say hello. besides, you're going to look much more mature and well-adjusted if you can suck it up and talk to him."

he finally came over to clear our table. he made a special point of sayings, "hello julie" and i responded, "hi, how are you?" to him and an audience of six. he gathered up our glasses and carried them off to the back room. i got up and left before he came back into sight.

i guess now we know who's the bigger person.

i drove away feeling ashamed of my own overwhelming cowardice and insecurity. i know it's not a big deal. i know he probably didn't care one way or another whether he talked to me or not. while his childishness was what ultimately repelled me when we were dating, he had suddenly surpassed me in maturity and grace, courage and kindness with two words: "hello julie."

maybe i should have called him back when i had the chance.